Boundaries save and suck

I've been working with clients over the years on setting and KEEPING boundaries. Then at some point I realized that I slacked and was not holding some of mine. Therapists aren't perfect, and especially THIS therapist. It's A LOT easier to set boundaries you don't keep than it is to set ones you keep consistently.

If you don't have kids but are planning to, get ready, when you have them you're going to be confronted with the need to have boundaries. Yes, your life changes, but the need for boundaries is even more crucial as you inevitably load your plate with way too many things that doing it all is impossible.

Enter power struggle.

I have a normal teenager. My normal teenager is an EXPERT at testing boundaries. Seriously, it should be their job to test boundaries. This kid tests my boundaries every day. When I was venting to my own therapist about constantly having to be tortured by the power struggle, she said something that stuck out. She said, how about you tell her how it makes you feel when she crosses your boundaries?" Why was that foreign to me? I'm a gosh darn therapist that makes a living from helping people find and express their feelings!

This weekend I surprised myself.

My kids were doing normal kid things, arguing. They were probably fighting over the TV or the last piece of chocolate, but I was NOT FEELING IT. No intervention was effective. So you know what I did? I told them I wasn't going to stick around for the fighting, they needed to work it out themselves. I was going for a walk. So I did. I shut off the modem so they couldn't distract from the immediate task at hand; the need to work things out. And guess what? 20 minutes later, while I was in my happy place on my daily 4 mile walk, I got a text message. It was a picture of my kids cuddling. They had worked it out. And guess what I did to make this happen? NOTHING. I went on a walk and created space, something that makes me happy, and all turned out very well.

I realized I complicate boundaries. Less is more. Don't get caught up in the bargaining phase which would be compromising your boundaries (or trying to mediate that fight in my case). It's simpler than you think. When you have that feeling, something doesn't sit right, you feel resentful, you get angry or another out of place emotion, your boundaries have been crossed. It's simple and easy. It's your cue to check in with yourself.

So if you needed a reminder, this is it. You can hold boundaries, you can make it simple, you can take the space that you need.

I hope this helps.