How do you live in the world?
“Oh my goodness. You’re totally right!” My friend exclaimed during another marathon phone date.
I had just made an observation that she had been heartbroken, yet again, by a partner that was clear that he didn’t want a relationship in the beginning of their courtship. She wanted to know, ”why does this ALWAYS happen to me?” And this came almost immediately after she said, “I’m just not good with relationships.”
I asked her how she thought she would have a relationship with someone who was clear he didn’t want one? Spoiler: she couldn’t give me a straight answer on this one. I made the observation that she in fact, would never be good at a relationship, nor ever be in one if she kept dating people who were either unsure or were upfront about not wanting one. It makes total sense, right? Yes, to me, because I’m looking at it from the outside. As individuals, we are not able to have the opportunity to see it from the outside. We mostly just craft our life to be true about most things we think about ourselves, which are not always the good things.
What would happen if you were good at relationships? What would that be like? I, for one, know my friend is amazing and would be a great catch to anyone. I see this with clients all of the time. They don’t see what I see, and we spend the majority of our sessions together taking away the fog that has been acumulating over the years that prevents them from seeing and or showing the wonderful things about themselves. Here’s the thing though, this fog usually exists to protect them. They have had to develop the fog to be able to shield the things that hurt them or the pain from not getting what they need. Human beings are amazing. We protect ourselves a lot, actually. The problem is that the way we protect ourselves as children or along the journey of our lives, isn’t always necessary to have. It prevents people from being vulnerable with people or communities they don’t have to protect themselves from and gets in the way of real connection. Real connection can be a life changing experience!
So how can we understand how to undo this? First, you have to see the way this shows up in your life. Some helpful ways to do that might be if you’re in relationship now. Do you not ask for what you want because you think you might not get it? Dig deeper. Keep asking why until there are no whys. What if you asked for what you need and DID get it? What would it clarify for you if you didn’t? Maybe it might highlight the ways in which you meet their needs more and are abandoning your own. Maybe it means that you get to avoid something by doing what you’re doing. The biggest one I see is picking unavailable partners so that you don’t get hurt. They are not fully available and it’s not going to turn into a relationship anyway. Nothing risked, nothing gained. BUT what if you met someone who was worth the risk? Who gave as much as you do? Who thinks you are the bees knees? That is magic. Not that you won’t go through tough things together, you will, but it’s so nice to be able to communicate and solve something together. And believe me, when something happens and you have someone to call who is going to support you and love you too, that is incredible. Of course you could also be fine on your own, but if you have already cultivated self love, I bet you have partners waiting in line or maybe you don’t even notice because you are enjoying your life so much as it is. That is also magic.
Therapy can help a lot. I believe that therapy works because I regularly attend myself and can see the difference it has made in my life. I get to witness the changes in my clients every day. I’m not going to say it’s always easy, you wade through some ugly stuff, some painful and hurtful realizations, but nothing that you can’t handle. Sometimes if you are not responding to therapy and struggle with depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder, Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy opens up your brain for huge leaps and seeing things from a different perspective. A skilled therapist will know how to get you the help you need.
The most important thing is that you don’t deny yourself success and happiness or the possibility of love. You are worth it and worth the time and money you invest in it. I promise.
