Herpes and Mental Health: Addressing the Emotional Impact of Your Diagnosis

I’ve heard it a gazillion times….. OB/GYN enters the exam room where you are scared and not sure what these painful sores all over your lady parts are. The OB/GYN enters the room and takes one look, tells you they think it is Herpes but must send a swab off to the lab. They swab a sore and throw some cream at you to put on yourself as you silently cry, unsure of what to do now. 

I have heard this scenario so often that I created an entire (online self paced course) to help women because it might be the only understanding approach they get after diagnosis.

I have worked as a social worker and if I was called (many times I wasn’t) to go in, I would sit with the patient to process the diagnosis. However, I wasn’t called to be there many times, because honestly, the OB/GYN needed the room to get the next patient in the room so they wouldn’t fall behind. Hospitals and clinics are notorious for having space issues, so to find a dedicated spot for me to sit with patients after a diagnosis wasn’t always possible. 

All of this is to say, a Herpes diagnosis is a REALLY BIG DEAL, regardless of how much your doctor may assure you that it’s not. They see it many times a day, sometimes they even become desensitized to it. A Herpes diagnosis can be absolutely devastating, especially if you are not expecting it (most women aren’t). 

So what do you do first?  Breathe. It is totally normal for you to be completely thrown off. This is a life changing experience. It is a chronic illness. There is no cure. The good news is that if you do it right, you can use it to your advantage. So first, you must allow yourself to have all of the feelings about your diagnosis. Good and bad. 

I was recently listening to a podcast. I love We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle. They had a woman on the show to talk about the physical impact of heartbreak. Her name is Florence Williams and she authored a book called, “Heartbreak- A Personal and Scientific Journey.” I highly recommend listening to the podcast. It was wild. She talked about a lot of really powerful things that happened after her 25 year marriage ended. One of which is that she got sick and even developed an auto-immune condition. She started looking for answers. One of the things she found was that experts knew that not everyone had drastic changes to their health after a heartbreak. She said that people who had a strong support system and didn’t suffer from loneliness did better overall and recovered quicker after a heartbreak. She also talked to a scientist who said that people who found a way to turn the devastating event into an opening to make major positive changes in their life as well and became resilient, actually used the heartbreak as part of their leveling up. It’s like my therapist always tells me, “Trauma gets a bad rap.” You have a choice after a Herpes diagnosis, you can either become a victim or grab it by the balls and make it work for you. 

I am not saying that there is something wrong with you if you’re not able to see the opening to level up after Herpes. I am saying that you can, but you need the right environment around you. Healing happens in community.  One of the saddest things I’ve heard from people who have been recently diagnosed is that they have been suffering in silence and have no one to talk to. How much would it change things to meet and have access to people who have been through what you have? 

I believe this so profoundly that I created a (free monthly support group) and a paid (12 week group) that helps you build a relationship with women with Herpes over the course of 12 weeks. The idea is that at the end of the support group or the 12-week group, if you make a connection with a woman or women in the group, you can stay in touch. You can call them when you have to disclose to a new partner to get a pep talk or text them when you are having an outbreak and feeling vulnerable. You need a person who understands, that is why this is so important.

In my own work in the field I have found that it is impossible to find a therapist that specializes in working with women coping with Herpes. So impossible that I decided to become one and offer therapy to women in NY, TX, WI, and CT and coaching for women in other places outside of those states. Therapy is looking at things in the past and how they inform what you’re experiencing in the present. Coaching is more action oriented where you look at what is happening in the current moment and develop ways to move forward. You have someone to check in with about your progress. 

Herpes isn’t a condition that you have once and it’s over. Be prepared to have ups and downs with your diagnosis. What I would suggest to you is that all of those things that come up are things that would be there if you had Herpes or not. Herpes just amplifies them. So, if you worry about being rejected because of disclosure, you probably struggled with vulnerability and rejection way before Herpes. If you struggle with being mad at yourself for choosing the wrong partner who gave you Herpes, maybe you struggle with picking up on secretive partners or people that don’t have your best interest at heart. If you had a partner who disclosed they had Herpes and you decided that they were worth it and the relationship ends and you are regretful or blindsided, maybe you weren’t on the same page with them after all and could benefit from learning how to clarify relationships and expectations. It’s nothing wrong with you, we all have blind spots.

Herpes is an opportunity to get better overall. 

And it’s ok if you feel really taken down by getting Herpes. If you feel depressed or super anxious, find a therapist that you can talk to. We all need professional support at a time in our lives and Herpes is definitely a time where that can happen. Your therapist should be open and supportive of where you are and what support you need. If a therapist tells you not to be worried and that everyone has it, it’s ok to tell her that it’s not helpful to hear that. You are struggling and you need them to meet you where you are at. 

If you are so depressed you think you might be better off dead or are thinking of taking your life. That’s something that can happen as well, but we need you. This world needs you. Call for help right away, lots of states have crisis helplines and the Suicide Hotline is super helpful. Their number is 988.

You can do this. Life with Herpes will be different, but it’s possible to live with it and be happy. You just might need the right supports, so go find them!

And if you need a little support in private first, be sure to get my self-led course, Women Coping with Herpes. It will walk you through questions like, "Do I have to disclose I have herpes?" and “Can I date with herpes?”

Designed to help you navigate all of these challenges and more, this course also addresses emotional turmoil and tackling practical concerns like herpes disclosure to rebuild your confidence.