How to Rebuild Self-Confidence After a Herpes Diagnosis
It’s really hard to get a Herpes diagnosis, and even harder is the hit it may have on your self-confidence.
I’ve heard it a million times. A woman gets divorced or breaks up with a partner and finally gets the courage to go out and date again, only to get Herpes.
Herpes threw a wrench in those plans and made things harder.
So, what do you do to rebuild?
You may or may not know I was a Peace Corps volunteer once. You know, “the toughest job you’ll ever love.” I wanted to be a Peace Corps volunteer ever since I was little. So, as you can imagine, I was disappointed to be told that in my first 3 months of being stationed in my community, I was not to do anything but observe and learn.
I mean, I was there to DO SOMETHING and CHANGE LIVES! What do you mean I am there to do nothing for the first 3 months? Basically, all I was expected to do was get to know my community members, talk to leaders, get the lay of the land, and become familiar with what the community wants to fix before I jump in with any initiatives to fix anything.
But you don’t know what to do until you get really clear on what the problems are and where they come from before you jump in and try to solve them. And you have to get buy-in that those are actually the problems you can or want to solve.
Little did I know this concept would become so important to every aspect of my work and life.
After a major change in your life, I recommend the Peace Corps way to observe, learn, find support, and devise a plan.
Getting a Herpes diagnosis is life-changing. It will bring up shit you didn’t even know was a problem. All of a sudden, you are…
-replaying every decision you have ever made that you believe contributed to getting Herpes
-wondering if you are loveable or if anyone will want to have a relationship or marry you
-regretting leaving the last (usually not great relationship) you had
I could continue with that list, but you get the idea.
So, what does this have to do with what I learned in the Peace Corps? I recommend that you take stock of everything that come up for you after a Herpes diagnosis and get curious about those things. You don’t have to DO anything about those things right away. In the same way that you wouldn’t tell your friend all of the things wrong with her after a Herpes diagnosis, you don’t want to do that to yourself either. But you should get curious about it. Keep asking why….
Why is this diagnosis so devastating to me right now?
What does this bring up? Is it about love, decisions, feeling bad about myself, what?
Continue to ask why until you get to the bottom of all of the issues and little things behind the issues.
Find support. Talk to a trusted friend or family member. If you don’t have one or need to seek professional help, find a therapist. That person may be helpful to help you see if the problems you think you have are based in reality and help you see the underlying blind spots we inevitably always have.
I don’t love Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but I use some pieces of it sometimes. The most useful is looking at automatic thoughts we have that we don’t question. We should question them. Why do you think that? Are there facts to back it up? What facts don't support that thought? Let me give an example;
If you think you are destined to never find someone who loves you because you have Herpes…
Are there no people who would have a relationship with you because you have Herpes? Not the people you know but others you haven’t met yet. Are you 100% sure they wouldn’t have a relationship with you?
Do you have people in your life who love you and have accepted you with Herpes? Do you see others with Herpes in relationships?
After each of the above-numbered items, take stock of how those things make you feel. Do you feel desperate when you think no one will want a relationship with you? Do you feel hopeful when you think of people who still love you, Herpes or not?
After you get over the initial blow, allow yourself to feel those things for a while, get support if they are overwhelming.
After life starts to return somewhat to normal……what do you want to work on? Do you want to work on yourself? Do you love yourself the way you want someone else to love you? Do you think you are making good decisions about the relationships you’ve been in? What do you want from a relationship?
The more you learn, the closer you are to getting what you want.
Building self-confidence after a Herpes diagnosis is not an overnight process. It takes an observation period, a discovery period, and finally an action period.
If you want guided help on this, I created a course for you.
If you want 1:1 support, contact me.
If you want support from others who know how you feel, join a support group like this one.
You don’t have to do it alone, find the support you need.
