Rage is a necessary part of moving forward.

Rage is a useful tool in propelling you forward.

I am not talking about rage that makes you hurt another person.

I actually believe that rage as a tool is so necessary, that, in fact, I make room for it.

I was talking to a friend the other day when she was telling me that she was concerned with the anger she was holding. She was mad that she tries to go through life with as little of percieved negative impact on others. She thinks about the level of noise she creates, that she will try to do anything to avoid inconveniencing others. I know that being considerate isn’t a bad thing, I really wish the guy who parked his SUV under my 4th floor apartment window at 2am would have considered that the trunk he had full of speakers would wake my entire family up and totally ruin our sleep. That would have been considerate as it was deeply impacting us. My friend was talking about trying to not exist. She had been so conditioned in a dysfunctional family that any need she would express would be a problem to her family. So what did she do? She learned to not have any needs or hide any that she did have. And once she was aware that she was going to great lengths to seemingly not exist, she was furious.

I would be too.

I suggested to her that perhaps rage was appropriate. I told her how often when I learn new things that are not easily understood, I get angry. Like almost to the point of crying angry. I know this is rooted in old stuff. I had to figure things out myself and if I didn’t know how, I would be shamed sometimes for asking for help. Shaming was regularly used and it worked. I stopped asking for help. No one had to help me if I didn’t ask for it and feel their own incompetency to not be able to help.

So what do I do when rage comes? I plan on it. I know it’s a necessary part of my process in order to move to the next process… figuring it out. And since I know figuring it out is enjoyable and I feel a sense of accomplishment, I look forward to it. And rage is A LOT less scary when I plan for it. It’s planning a tough part of the process that is a means to the end.

The rage is just a part of the process. I make room for it. Often I encounter this rage when I write immigration evaluations. They are a lot of work and take me double digit hours to do. They include 2 interviews and a lot of back and forth with the client. I sit in front of my computer with pages of evaluations, assessments, pages of notes from interviews, the client’s statement that is going with their application. Often the information I’ve gathered leads to me having to go back and ask a million other questions. I am writing a story about someone’s life that is meant to paint a picture of who they are to someone who may never meet them in person. To convey trauma they have experienced and that they can’t convey themselves because it is too painful.

I take several weeks to write one evaluation. I only work on one at a time. I dedicate my mental space and time to thinking about how all of it comes together. I get angry for injustices that people have faced. The abuse by US Citizen spouses because they think they have a power over their immigrant spouse is shocking. The amount of vulnerability that immigrants face and the fear of returning to real danger, should they be deported, sometimes is overwhelming. I get angry at times that the story doesn’t make complete sense and I must go and verify the details and that the person is truthful and the story is consistent knowing that there is a lot at stake for the person whose evaluation I am working on. I have to remain impartial despite my own feelings about the case and provide an accurate and truthful synopsis within a short document that will be clear to the person reading it. There are cases I lose sleep over because I realize the significance of the evaluation I write on the person’s immigration status being approved or declined paired with the importance of integrity in my work.

I think I continue to do these evaluations because it makes me happy to see the story I’ve written about someone’s life. I know what I am signing up for when I take an evaluation on and I know what I’m doing. I know rage is a part of that process and allows me to move forward.

Here are some questions for you about your rage:

1. What makes you feel rageful?

2. What is at the core of the rage?

3. How has helped rage resolve?

4. Is there a reason for the rage?

5. What is the outcome?

6. How does rage serve you?

7. How can you make room for it in your processes?