Rejected because of Herpes? Spoiler: probably not the Herpes.

As you probably see all over my website, I specialize in working with women in major transitions or come to Jesus moments in their lives. Herpes is a big one. An earth shattering diagnosis for many women. Actually, women coping with Herpes is probably the highest amount of people seeking info from my website besides Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy.

So here is what I believe….. If you recently disclosed a Herpes diagnosis to someone new and were rejected…. it’s probably not because you have Herpes. We have entered a time in society where it feels like commitment means much less to some people than it used to. People are open minded to other options besides monogamy (if that is your thing, more power to you). Most of my clients are seeking a relationship with one person and not a polyamorous one. They want to find the person to share their lives with and if you haven’t noticed, it takes a lot of work to actually find that person.

I work with tons of women who have trouble dating. It’s not them. Dating is vulnerable and requires a lot of openess to allow someone new to come into your life to see what it might be like to do life with them. Dating is a true practice of vulnerability at ground zero, nevermind when Herpes is involved. Sex has become a casual thing in society as its evolved over the last 50 years or more. I’ll never forget when I went on a date in the 2000s and I had a third date with a guy who boldly stated to me, “Well, it’s the 3rd date, the one where we have sex.” I looked at him like he had 3 heads and to his disappointment the date ended and he didn’t have sex on it, with me anyway. We never met again and I was ok with that. He’s probably still dating people and having sex on the 3rd date. Or maybe he settled down, we will never know, because I wasn’t down with sticking around to find out.

I digress.

But, for real, you probably got rejected not because of your Herpes diagnosis. If you were disclosing to a sexual partner that you wanted things to evolve with and they disappeared or stated that they didn’t want to move forward with the relationship, that person wasn’t going to stick around anyway. The Herpes disclosure conversation is super vulnerable, and yay you for having that very important conversation. I imagine you were disclosing to be open and honest and I believe good things come from that place. What most likely happened is that when you disclosed your diagnosis, the other person had to make a quick decision about your relationship, which they probably already knew anyway. They wanted to have sex with you but were not so sure about a relationship with you. SO my next question is for you….

Did you want just sex or a relationship? Did you want both?

If you wanted both, you probably just dodged a bullet. That person wasn’t sure about you, and while a lot of the new parts of having a relationship require you to get to know and experience the person, they kind of know they don’t want to move further with you towards a relationship. Ouch. Yup, I said it. I know it doesn’t feel good but wouldn’t you have rather had that then being strung along for a year or more and then break up because they discovered they don’t want to move forward or you don’t?

I must also say that I am not saying that you should avoid hurt by ending things before you are ready. Sometimes we want to experience a partner before we decide to go all in. You don’t have to have sex right away. It is worth having a conversation wtih someone you want to become physical with even before it gets there. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. And there is no right or wrong answer to respond to a Herpes disclosure. You are allowed to have your feelings and the other person receiving the Herpes diagnosis disclosure is allowed to have theirs. You might decide to be friends. Perhaps the friendship will allow a friendship to form and it might morph into something else or not. Keep yourself open.

And, if you get ghosted or outright denied after your disclosure, I know it’s not easy. It doesn’t mean you aren’t a total catch. It does not mean that you don’t make up for the Herpes in other areas (not that you have to, but I hear this a lot). It means that in that moment, that person has decided that they do not want to move forward. It might be that they don’t want Herpes and now they know they could get it. But you were honest. You shared your truth and you gave them the choice to decide. It could mean that they just wanted to have sex and not more. If you wanted more, you will appreciate that at some point rather than being strung along for years.

It is never just about Herpes. Believe me. If you get a rejection, I believe you can use it to do some internal soul searching about what feelings come up when you are rejected. Does it trigger something in you that is worth learning about? Does it bring up your insecurities that you still haven’t processed? Be honest with yourself. There is more going on there for you.

AND… if you haven’t checked out my free fears vs. realities worksheet from the course I created for women coping with Herpes, check it out. There’s even a video to go with it. It will help you get those fears out on paper and work on them.

And that is the MOST IMPORTANT work to do.