Shrinking
Have you caught the apple TV series Shrinking? I love it. A friend of mine told me about it because every time she sees it she thinks of me. So I watched it. And I totally understand why she thought of me because although I am very different than the main character, it is a good view into the life of a therapist, we aren’t perfect!
It’s about a therapist who lost his wife. He’s got a teenage daughter and is having a rough time parenting her and grieving because she looks so much like her mom. He’s making bad decisions, he’s struggling with showing up to work to do his job. He finally decides that he isn’t going to just sit and listen to people anymore. He’s going to cut to the chase and fix their problems.
I am sure you know where this is going….. that seems great at first but he finds himself in deep water when he tells a woman that her husband is emotionally abusive and he’s not going to work with her anymore unless she leaves him. She does. Unfortunately the husband finds him and beats him up his daughter’s soccer game. He’s brought his other client to the game with him (very against code of ethics!). who has an anger management problem because of trauma from his time in the war in Afghanistan. He refuses to talk to his therapist about it but the therapist does some very unconventional ways of addressing his anger. Anyway, the whole thing blows up in his face because his client with the anger management problem steps in when the woman’s husband starts attacking the therapist and he beats him up. And a few weeks later he runs into the husband that beat him up with the wife that supposedly left him. It’s a mess. His tactics don’t actually work all of the time.
It made me start to think about all of the clients I have worked with over the years. I can sit across from them and see the problems and why they are having them. And while I could certainly tell them what is going wrong, I’ve learned that it isn’t the best way to address it. I will ask probing questions to get them to come to the realization themselves, and that is where the magic happens. As a therapist, I have to get creative with ways of supporting clients. I have them make statements about their feelings. I have them speak from their point of view and the opposing part of them that is in conflict. It can feel funny at first, but it usually works.
All over my website you will see me say I am not a “sit and nod” therapist. I’m definitely not. AND I think people see things when they are ready to see them. Sometimes you need to date that same asshole for the 5th time to realize why. Why do you put up with less? Why do you insist on making it hard for yourself? Why do you do the same thing and expect a different outcome? What is it that you are trying to work out with that person? Is this reminiscent of a familial relationship you need to work out but never were able to? There are so many possibilities. While I can reflect them back to you, you will see them when you are ready to. There are some clients that beat themselves up for making the same mistake, but that is actually many times a PART of the process that has to happen for you to get to the point where you want to do something differently. I’ve had clients say to me, “I’m so sick of hearing myself talk to you about this again.” They are tired and I am excited for them because to me they are saying, “I’m done with this and ready for change.” And guess what? They do! The finger that is pointing back at you is the most painful one. I know that. We all need to give ourselves grace and understanding because that self criticism actually can be worse than one you get from someone else.
Have you had an experience where you made a mistake and you learned from it? You definitely have. So mistakes are a gift sometimes, even if they don’t feel like it. And sometimes in the breakdown comes a breakthrough. What is your next breakthrough?
