Tired of Pick Me Dating Sites?
If I had a dollar for every therapy session I’ve had with clients that has focused on online dating, I would be able to retire forever, starting now.
Dating sites such as Hinge, Eharmony (am I dating myself there?), Coffee Meets Bagel, Ship, Bumble, Match, Ok Cupid, and Tinder, you name it, I’ve heard of it at least 25 times. I know in this day and age, it is necessary to put yourself out there in this way. It can bring up so many things for people about being passed over, judged, or criticized. It places people in such a vulnerable position and being vulnerable can be scary. If you’re placing your worth in a profile, well, there are bigger issues at play here.
One of my favorite books is by Shel Silverstein “The Missing Piece Meets the Big O.” It’s about a piece that’s been discarded and the pie it came out of continues to roll along looking for it’s missing piece. The piece meets a pie that seems just it’s right size. They fit together and roll along life together, the piece grows and no longer fits the pie, so it’s again left on its own to find another pie. So many full pies roll by it and the piece gets ignored. The piece tries to dress up and make itself more flashy, but that just scares away the shy ones. So one day the piece sees a small pie roll by. The piece asks why the pie was so small. The pie explains that they used to be a piece and were able to turn themselves over and smooth their edges until they became a ball, able to roll along and enjoy life on their own instead of being discarded and forced to look for a pie to get them to where they need to go. The symbolism that this suggests to us is great. And I think Shel Silverstein is onto something.
Maybe it’s about presenting who you are authentically. Some people are going to like it and some people will not. Those are not your people. Maybe it’s about feeling good about what you are putting out there and not so much about criticizing yourself because you didn’t appeal to someone else. Make sure what you are putting out is authentically you.
Is it possible to get this across on dating sites?
Yes. Dating sites CAN work to connect people.
What do you love to do? Bowling? Hiking? Running? Music? Museums? Write about it in your profile. The only error in putting yourself out there is not being honest about it. Gained some weight? We all have in quarantine! Put an honest picture of yourself there, double chin and all. Put your favorite dress on and snap some pictures. Put on a pantsuit that makes you feel like a boss and strike a pose. The point is to be yourself. If you are anything else, the person on the other end will find out eventually. Maybe after you have been together a while and they find out that you don’t actually like to run/workout and they were hoping this is the way you would spend time together when really all you want to do is sit around and watch movies all weekend because you’re a homebody. Be honest about it. The truth comes out eventually. And if the person is really interested in who you are, they will want to curl up and watch movies with you.
Believe me when I tell you that NYC is a hard place to date. I spent many years in that scene myself. It’s brutal. Be clear about what you want, it really cuts the wait time down by a lot. And please, if you know that you become attached after having sex with someone, wait to have sex until they are ready to make a commitment. That’s the nice thing to do for yourself. The only thing to do is just keep doing the nice things for yourself day in and day out. Get therapy, feed your mind and body with healthy things that make you feel good. Move your body in a way that feels good.
Eventually, you will notice that the vulnerability and disappointment are a little easier to deal with. The goal is not to remove all vulnerability and disappointment because that is impossible. As long as you are breathing, you will have feelings. You are supposed to. The goal is to not have it destroy you. The goal is to have the feeling and learn that you can live through it, because you can.
