What Nobody Tells You About Anxiety and Relationship Issues

Why on earth would you feel anxiety if you are in a relationship? 

This is what I wanted, why am I still anxious? 

Why can’t I just feel secure in this relationship?

Those are the million-dollar questions.

Let me give you some peace of mind: it is not uncommon to feel anxious in relationships. You might have been through a really bad relationship that caused you to get really hurt and now you feel anxious about putting yourself out there to get hurt again. Or your friend’s 10-year relationship might have ended suddenly and now you are scared that could happen to you.

Protecting yourself is a natural reaction to getting hurt. If you went to Mexico and got sick from drinking the water, would you drink it again?  Probably not. If your friend went to Mexico and got sick from drinking the water, you probably would not do it either. We learn from our experiences and we also learn from others. You protect yourself by staying safe, which we can appreciate, but is the anxiety from it also holding you back?

I heard a quote that has stuck with me over the years, “The risk is worth the reward.”  Being vulnerable is so difficult, especially when you have been hurt already or watched those around you get hurt. Or if your parents did not have a great relationship…  It makes sense that you would try to avoid that.  But I am not recommending that you do.

What nobody tells you is this: the more you focus on yourself and cultivating a relationship with yourself, the freer you will feel in a romantic relationship and the freer you’ll feel from anxiety.  If the relationship does not work out, it might hurt, but you will not lose yourself because you never left yourself to be in the relationship in the first place. You make better choices when you are less anxiously gripping onto the relationship that is not a good one.  Because if you think about it… you would rather keep the dysfunctional relationship you have instead of being single again. Coming from that place is a recipe to being in a relationship that might not be the right one for you but you’ll be too anxious to see that.

So, how do you get in touch with yourself?  How do you cultivate a relationship with yourself? Good question!  How do you make relationships with friends or partners?  You get to know them. You need to get to know yourself.  You can do that in many ways, therapy is one of them. I would be hard-pressed to find a client who did not get to know themselves better while in therapy. By design, you will get to know yourself because the focus is on you for 50 minutes a week in session and the time outside of session you will be noticing things about yourself. Also, do you have hobbies?  Do you have things you love to do where you could lose hours?  Pay attention to those things and do more of them.

The morning routine has really changed my life. I get up every day before everyone else in my house (with a husband, 2 kids, and 2 cats), believe me, it’s necessary. I get the coffee brewing, listen to uplifting podcasts, journal, meditate, breathing exercises, or do some stretching.  It has provided me some time to connect with myself and it makes a big difference in how I feel day today.

Lastly, be gentle on yourself. Would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself?  I bet you would not.  Have appreciation that your anxiety in love is probably because you want to protect yourself from being hurt. What my clients find is that even if they try to protect themselves, it hurts anyway, so it is more productive to focus on your connection with yourself. That is the only way that the heartbreak will not overcome you. And that is worth it.