There’s no shortcut on your feelings.

I have to actively be a watchdog for my optimistic part that wants to believe that always, everything will be fine. Although I must say that part is incredibly useful when it comes to having perseverance and get through the hard times. But at times it’s not the right approach.

Especially as a parent.

My kid loses their ice cream because it falls off of the cone. Even though I reminded them 1007 times to hold the cone straight, they tilted it and the thing went SPLAT! Tears (a lot of them) followed. Before I could bask in the triumph that my kid wasn’t self conscious to cry in front of a crowd that watched them drop the ice cream, “It’s ok, I’ll buy you another one” came out of my mouth. Good job, mom! You just helped your kid to avoid sadness (which totally undoes the beauty of your kid crying in public without worrying about what that will be perceived as from onlookers).

I saved them their sad feelings of losing their ice cream. And if you’ve never lost an ice cream, it’s a really sad event!

However, the ice cream is not the first thing they will lose in their life. It also won’t be the only disappointment or bad turn of events that they will ever experience. I pulled them out of what might be a very important life lesson; mistakes happen and you can be sad about it, and even angry if that’s what comes up.

Don’t get me wrong, it is super important to show good will, too. We could have talked through the feeling and then I could have offered to buy them another one because I know that sometimes we all make mistakes. They are really good people. I know that because I see them in the moments when they are helping a friend. They even told our neighbor who was sad about her mom having to go to the hospital, “I know it’s not easy when you’re worried about your mom.” The poor kid knows what that is like after almost dying form a COVID provoked Pulmonary Embolism in the height of the epidemic (more on that here). My kid’s ability to see, cope with, and sit in their feelings is something I’ve really had to work on not only with my kid, but also with myself.

It is incredible to me how much I learn about myself the older I get. Always working on myself emotionally, physically, spiritually, and still cultivating self love is an ongoing process. Recently in a Ketamine session, I saw myself from a different angle. There I was, looking strong and determined, running into a field of grain/wheat/the tall yellow straw stuff. I saw myself from the eyes of others. Strong, dedicated, focused, and a master of moving forward. I was able to see that is who I really am. But I didn’t turn out that way from shit being easy. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you it hasn’t been. It was over the last decade that I have figured out finally for real that the only way to get to a new understanding with a struggle is to put one foot in front of the other and have all of the feelings, even if you really don’t want to. There is no shortcut or fast way. It is a process where you learn a lot about yourself, so it’s important you take your time in it.

So why am I telling you all this?

Well, sometimes people check off the box that they go to therapy, but just don’t want to really see or deal with anything that is brought up there. But if you want to get anything out of you, you really have to.

Believe me, I get it. I have been in therapy for the last 25 or so years. There were many years I was definitely checking the box and was going to therapy because that’s what you do when you are in the helping profession and when you are a therapist yourself. When I hit a stall in progress I would start to wonder if it’s time to switch thearpists, maybe she’s not taking me far enough or challenging me.

But that was just me digging for work. Instead what I needed to do was to sit in the feeling of being stuck. Cause if I know anything about myself…. my hyper productive side cannot deal with that. And that’s what causes a ton of other problems. I am so super thankful that I was taught to be independent and not get down on myself for too long, that has led to me being super resilient and my parents call me the “Queen of Comeback.”

However, it took me so many years to learn to sit in my own feelings, and that’s really hard work. So I think that perhaps if I can do that with my kids occasionally, they might be a little better than I am. So I know my kid can deal with the disappointment of losing their ice cream and that mom is there to help learn how to tolerate that discomfort…. and perhaps buy them another ice cream because…. everybody makes mistakes.

Maybe I am killing this parent thing… or most of the time, anyway. They might need therapy for the other places where I screwed up. I’m human and this is my first time being a parent. And I’m ok with that.