Cozy

I’m a Beyonce fan. Who isn’t?! She’s the Queen. I love her song Cozy from the Renaissance album. It’s about feeling good about yourself. About recognizing the scars you have and recognizing it means you got through something. It’s about pride in who you are, what you represent, where you come from. Who wouldn’t sign onto that?

If we only took the years we spent in self-loathing and got them back. I look at pictures of myself now from when I was younger and think….. what if I knew what I know now back then, would I have been happier with myself? But there was no way to back then. I didn’t live the 47 (about to me 48!) years that it would require from me to be cozy in my skin like I am now.

I think that to move forward we must look back at former versions of ourselves. When I was introduced to Gestalt therapy I did a lot of talking to my 10yo self. As far as I could figure out, that’s about when I learned to not like myself so much. Shopping for outfits in the “pretty plus” section with my mom, realizing that none of my clothes would look like my friends because I couldn’t shop where they got theirs. I wanted to hide and I bet I would have given you even my most prized 10yo possessions to be the same size clothes as my friends.

Back when I first opened my private practice, I wanted to work with EVERYONE. I had some clients who had been through several therapists say to me, “I’m not talking about my past. It has nothing to do with where I am now.” Except you can’t get to where you want to go without recognizing where you’ve been. There has to be an acknowledgement of armor you’ve put on in order to survive your environment and get your needs met or stop needing them so much.

Part of being able to move forward and be cozy with myself is to make peace with former versions of myself. Often in my own Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy, I have met with former versions of myself and made peace. I understand her. I understand what she was going through and how what she went through was NECESSARY in order to get to where she is now, which is cozy in my skin. I can recognize the ebbs and flows and things that I wasn’t able to see then that I can now. And I can work with former versions of myself instead of against them. That’s because of all the work I’ve done and am doing. I’m certainly not done but the difference is, I am happy with the pace and where I’m going. I know it’s only going to get more COMFY.