Fear and freezing

I often ask the simplest question, yet one that stumps my clients… every time.

“So, what WOULD happen if this happened?” That’s the question. Simple, precise, and thought provoking, to say the least. Think about a current fear. Write it down. If that fear actually happened, what would you do?

I remember the first time I had ever been asked this question by a therapist in the past. I had drawn a picture of my fear; my kids on a frozen lake, that started to crack, in the middle of them ice skating. I remember being stumped by the question. Why would my therapist ask me that? That was crazy, you aren’t supposed to think your fears out ALL of the way through!

I stuttered, “I guess I would go help.” My therapist continued, “How would you help?”

“I would go and get someone to get them out. I’m afraid if I went out there I would fall in too. But if I was really scared and they couldn’t get out, I would go get them and bring them to safety.”

My therapist looked at me, “How does worrying about this help you figure out what you would actually do?”

I didn’t have an answer. This was so preventable, I would never take my kids ice skating on a lake. We lived in NYC and it’s much easier to just go to a skating rink to ice skate, which obviously would not result in my fear of them falling into a lake, not even being a possibility. I relayed all of this to her, to which she asked me, “So, what are you really afraid of?” It was not being in control, being helpless, being unable to help. These are things I am afraid of in many other areas of my life besides my kids falling through the ice on a lake.

I find myself asking myself the same question my therapist asked me. What am I afraid of? What would I do if that happened? What am I REALLY afraid of? My body holds a lot of the answers too. I tense up, hands sweat, I feel a pit in my stomach. And I know very well what that cascade of body sensation means. It’s come from years of therapy and doing a lot of the work myself. I know when I want control. I know when I am reacting because I feel vulnerable. I know when I get angry because I feel hurt. What has it taken for me to get here? Constant questioning, and continuing to explore the answers. No therapist holds the answer. I hold the answer myself.

Many years ago I found myself in a situation where I actually did almost lose a child. One of them got this rare and mysterious illness that would give you nightmares if you googled it. I had a small child at the time and the kid who was sick was 5. My husband stayed home with the smaller kid and I stayed at the hospital with my daughter, who was sick. The nurse asked me if I would want to donate my child’s organs if she died. I was alone. I couldn’t believe it. My most valued treasure was on the brink of death. She wasn’t even on a lake, it was real life and I was facing possibly losing her. A mother’s biggest nightmare and yet, there I was living it.

I held it together, allowed myself to break down when my daughter was sleeping. We waited to see what happened and see if she responded to the meds, she didn’t. I watched her sleep all night, not knowing if it would be the last night I would spend with her. I was desperate and inconsolable. Finally, I realized there was NOTHING I could do that I wasn’t doing already. Nothing I did would prepare me to lose a child. I brought her to the hospital because that was the best place for her to be to have the best outcome. My ability to help had reached its end. I needed to believe that what was supposed to happen would. I am not religious but do believe there is a higher power. At that time, I needed to believe there was a higher power and I needed to hand over the outcome to them. So that is what I did, I surrendered it to “God.” From the moment I let it go, I felt peace. Peace that if she got better, everything would be fine, and peace that if she didn’t and died, I would find a way to wade through it. No amount of preparation would soften the blow of the loss that was possible. I didn’t have the answer.

And you hold your own answers too. No therapist is going to CURE you. We are not magicians. The best therapist for you is going to help you find the answer yourself. Help by reflecting back to you all of the things you’ve said and they have pieced together, to make some sort of sense of it. YOU have the answers. YOU are the one who needs to work that fear all of the way through or surrender to it . Even when it’s scary to do that.

AND I am willing to bet that your perception of how scary it is doesn’t match the reality. Find your fear and work it out. Keep asking WHY? And then what? So what am I really afraid of?

Those are questions for you. What are you most afraid of? Why? What WOULD you do? Does worrying about it make your reaction different? Why is it important to worry about it and why?