Having the “Herpes Talk.”
I specialize in Women Coping with Herpes. If I had a dollar for everyone that asked, “How am I going to tell someone I have Herpes?” I would never have to work again. It is so common. You might be contemplating the same thing right now.
After all, Herpes is a life changing diagnosis, there is just no way around it. Everyone is entitled to their decision about whether or not to disclose to a new partner, but I would argue that it’s more risky to not disclose. Most people end up contracting Herpes either from someone that doesn’t disclose or from someone they don’t know. People that tend to come see me had no idea that this is the journey they were about to embark on. There’s a whole level of trauma that occurs there, the feeling of betrayal, the frustration with the way you must now need to alter your life and relationships, and the new normal for you. Not to mention that Herpes will never stop being transmitted unless we let our partners know we have it if we know.
Or perhaps you did know that your previous partner had Herpes and chose to move forward anyway. You might have been as careful as possible and still contracted it. It’s ok. It’s ok to make decisions that felt right at the time. After all, if there is anything we know, it’s that we can’t see our future. Things can always change. Things can always end. Life is fluid and we must roll with it. Even making the best decisions possible end up being ones that you wouldn’t have made now. You loved that person and envisioned a future with them, and unfortunately the decision you made to be with them even though they have Herpes, was made because you saw a future with them. Guess what? In the same way you made that decision about someone that has Herpes, someone will make the same decision about you. The risk is worth the reward.
Here’s some good news: you’re not alone. When I speak to OB/GYN or women’s health providers, they tell me how often they diagnose Herpes. It’s several patients a week, if not more. And they all say the same thing…… no one came in thinking they had Herpes. It’s a devastating surprise to find out that what you thought was a UTI or a yeast infection is actually Herpes. Here’s the thing…. even if you were as careful as you could ever be, you can still contract the virus. Right now you need to rally. If your friend came to you saying that they had Herpes, would you be hard on them about it? Probably not. You’d probably console them and find a way to support them through this difficult time. Well, guess what? Now you need to do that for yourself. If there’s no one you can talk to about having Herpes, find a trusted friend or therapist that is going to support you. You can’t go back and change what happened to give you Herpes, so now you are going to learn to live with it. The good news is you can and will learn how to live with it.
Part of learning to live with Herpes is figuring out how to disclose that you have it. Disclosure is probably one of the most vulnerable things you will ever do. It’s scary, it’s putting yourself out there completely for acceptance or rejection. And it’s also very courageous to do so. Although I am not judging whether or not you decide to disclose, it’s the best thing to do to be sure it doesn’t come back to haunt you later. It’s true, it’s very possible you got Herpes from someone who didn’t know they have it, and it’s possible you got it because the person either didn’t think they had to tell you or chose not to. The truth of the matter is, now you have it and you need to decide what you will do with partners in the future. If you tell someone you risk facing rejection. If you don’t tell them and you become intimate and they get it, they will probably figure out you gave it to them without telling them. That is a breach of trust. If you are already in a relationship with this person and have been having sex for years and you happen to have sex during a time you don’t have symptoms but the virus is shedding and you give it to them, they might think you cheated on them. Many a relationship has ended like this. If you just tell your partner before becoming intimate sexually, they will expect that they might be exposed at some point and they may contract it. They know what they are getting themselves into and they accept that they may get it.
So how do you have “the talk?” I am assuming you are reading this because you met someone you really like and are about to have a sexual relationship with them. The moment of truth is if this person cares enough about you to accept you with Herpes. It’s quite a gift to have a partner that learns that you have Herpes and stays with you. The reality is that it happens. The reality is that sometimes that person decides to not pursue a relationship with you. You will survive either way. So how can you approach this very vulnerable and sensitive subject? Give yourself a pep talk. Who wouldn’t WANT to be with you? You are fantastic. The most important part of the disclosure of having Herpes is that it comes from your heart. So make this outline your own with your own flavor. Here it goes;
“I really like you (bonus to add why you really like them). I am excited to be intimate with you. I am choosing to tell you this because it’s important to me that you know. I have Herpes. I got it from a previous partner who told/didn’t tell me. I want to be up front with you because I want to move to the next level with you. And I recognize that this might be a big deal. These are the ways I am coping with Herpes (you can tell them if you are on meds, if you don’t kiss when you have an outbreak on your mouth or if you recognize how to tell when you are going to get an outbreak on your genital). And I also know that there is a possibility that I might be able to transmit Herpes to you even if I don’t know. I would love to move forward with you but also realize that you may need to make the decision that is best for you.”
And then you wait. They might say no problem and they might say they don’t want to move forward with being intimate or they need to think about it. Now is the time to attend to yourself and your feelings. You did something big. You were vulnerable with your partner and that was a brave thing to do.
If the result is that this person does not want to move forward with a relationship with you, I know it hurts. And that person may not have been so serious about you or not so sure. If that was the case, this heartbreak was cut before it got more serious and they just may have saved you some future turmoil. Maybe they need to think about it and will come back after they learn more and maybe they won’t. Allow yourself all of the feelings that are present. And then attend to yourself. Get together with supportive friends and people who will build you up. Go out dancing, do whatever makes you happy. This is not the only person in the world. They are not the only option. You will find someone who is willing to be with you. You are not cursed. You are not damaged goods. You are a goddess and you will find your match. Promise. And at least you dodged a bullet with someone who wasn’t willing to take you as you are in all of your glory and honesty. But that could happen even if you don’t have Herpes.
Now move your attention back to you. No one knows you like you know yourself. Take it from Miley Cyrus, “I can buy myself flowers, write my name in the sand, talk to myself for hours, say things you don’t understand. I can take myself dancing and I can hold my own hand. I can love me better than you can.” She’s totally right.
Need tools and support to help you create a happy, fulfilling, enjoyable life after your Herpes diagnosis? Check out my self-led course, available for instant download.
