If you have Herpes, is your dating pool restricted?
“I’m never going to find someone who wants a relationship with someone who has Herpes.” Ouch. I have heard this one a lot. It’s something that makes me sad. It’s simply not true. Typically if the person has been diagnosed with Herpes a long time, they have already disclosed to several people. And I usually find that if there is a reason they are rejected, it’s usually not because they have Herpes. In fact, I have seen people disclose because it’s getting close to the time that they will be intimate with their partner and they want to come clean about their diagnosis.
Lets be honest here, dating nowadays (did I just date myself with that one?) is a lot different. Dating apps are filled with people who aren’t looking for a serious relationship, they are looking for sexual partners or someone to have a casual relationship with. So the disclosure sometimes comes early on in the relationship, really before you have learned enough about someone to know if they are a good match or if their intentions are to have a serious long term relationship. People who want the freedom of having sexual or casual relationships freely may indeed be concerned about a Herpes diagnosis. But does that qualify as a person looking for a relationship?
I would argue that disclosing Herpes is being extremely vulnerable with someone. Everyone has their own way to disclose, there is no right or wrong way. Any way you slice it, it’s stepping into vulnerability and typically some shame that might be attached to that. In other words, it’s Brene Brown central (if you don’t know who she is, go watch her Ted Talk on shame). Being vulnerable is literally like taking your clothes off in front of someone. It’s letting down your guard. It’s SCARY. If it doesn’t scare you, that’s a whole other blog.
In the times that people have been vulnerable in their lives there is always something to learn. Sometimes it brings embarrassment or shame and sometimes it leads to a stronger connection. As human beings, we are wired for connection. We need it, we desire it, we benefit from it. It’s a risk that is worth the reward. Having strong relationships can be a saving grace. Of course we don’t always NEED people, but isn’t it nice to know that there is someone there for you if you are struggling? I think so. Even if the disclosure of the fact that you have Herpes can be an opportunity for connection. It can be a call for clarity. Does the person really want to pursue a relationship with you? What do you want? Will it actually work out?
So if you have someone that you have disclosed to and they have accepted you, that means something. It means that they want to move forward with you. It means they are available to explore what being with you is like physically, mentally, and otherwise. It also doesn’t mean that the relationship will automatically work out. We are not crystal ball readers. And it doesn’t mean that you can’t walk away if they aren’t who you thought they were or they are not compatible with you. It means that for the moment they are willing to explore intimacy with you and are accepting the risk of the transmission of Herpes. It also means you chose to be honest with them, which if they are smart, they will be very appreciative of!
So what about if you aren’t quite sure? There is no deadline of being intimate with someone. There are still people that don’t have sex until they are married. There are still dating books out there that suggest waiting until you are in a committed relationship to have sex. You can wait. If they are willing to stick around because you are not ready, this is a good measure of how much they will respect your boundaries. Believe me, you will want to be with someone that does!
So is your dating pool restricted because you have Herpes? No, I don’t think so. Sure, some people will self eliminate, and that’s ok. Rejection is protection! You might be cutting to the chase on something that wasn’t going to go well anyway. You might be setting yourself up to find someone who really likes you. Also worth mentioning here is that if you are really freaked out by disclosure, there are Herpes dating sites. People are able to find someone who has Herpes already and you can bypass the whole disclosure situation. The internet makes everything possible, doesn’t it?!?
It’s your jam, you get to decide. But Herpes might have just made finding someone easier for you. It might just weed out those that don’t want to stay in a relationship with you or someone that is not so serious about you. Heartbreak sucks, I’ve made another whole living from it! Wouldn’t it be better to just bypass it? But you have to be clear on what you want and what that looks like disclosure or no disclosure. Full dating pool or restricted one. You are the only one who can make that decision. And I trust that you can. If not, just send me a note!
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