Is your therapist friend or foe?
Therapy progress is ALL ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP. Trust me, it’s taken me a LONG TIME to figure out that the clients that have made the most progress in therapy are the ones who have a authentic relationship with me. Authentic relationship does not mean that we are friends (believe me, I would love to be, but boundaries and ethics direct that I absolutely cannot). An authentic relationship is built on trust, openess, honesty, boundaries, expressing your needs and the ways you like me and the things you don’t. You need to tell me if I do something that bothers you and we will talk about it. You can ask me for what you need, doesn’t mean I can always give it to you, but I will allow you to express your need and we will see how it feels.
Sometimes there is a guarding of information on the client’s part, making it really hard for me to have an authentic relationship with them. Usually when I can see this happening, I ask the client to tell me what the voices in the background are saying. I get so much information from those voices and so do my clients. I hear the critical voices that echo a parental figure. We hear the rule keeper that tells you how to live or what you “should” do. I hear critical voices towards me that are the client’s feelings about themselves but projected onto me. Sometimes clients are embarassed by some of the things they hear, but usually it really helps me see patterns of how they talk to themselves next to how they treat themselves. And from there real progress can be made.
It takes courage to do that work. So many people don’t want to do it. They don’t see how it will help. It requires them to be too vulnerable. They feel that it’s too “woo-woo” for them. I totally get it. You should have seen the look I shot my therapist who had me talk to myself and change chairs to do it. But, I could feel the healing that happened. I was mad. It required me to be honest and super vulnerable. In Gestalt training we were doing therapy with each other and I was drawn to a colleagues backpack. I always wanted a backpack like that as a kid but my parents wouldn’t buy it for me. Don’t you know, from that little snippet, I went back to my 13 yo self and said what I wanted. It was the first time I ever did that. And after my 13 year old self said what she needed, I gave it to her. A part of me was healed just from listening to and expressing my needs.
So is your therapist a friend or foe? Do you like them and feel like taking risks? It might not always be comfortable. You should feel comfortable with your therapist… but you might feel uncomfortable temporarily. When you are growing or changing emotional parts of yourself, it can be uncomfortable. You can feel exposed or very sensitive, you probably will be sad. You are mourning the former version of yourself that you now are moving away from.
I see so many people who are looking for the newest modality of therapy. They believe that all their problems will be solved by CBT, IFS, DBT, you name it. Here’s a secret….. the only person who is going to solve your problems is you. Your therapist can use all kinds of modalities to help you fully express yourself, but they can’t do the work for you. You need to feel in an alliance with your therapist. And the only way you can create an alliance is to build an authentic relationship with them.
If you feel that your therapist is against you, if you feel that they are not qualified to work with you, tell them exactly how you feel. I guarantee you that is how you will develop an authentic relationship with them. Therapist hopping is not how you are going to heal. When you find someone you can develop a relationship with, stick it out. Work through the highs and lows. Ask them to help you put your thoughts and feelings into words. That’s all you need them to do. And watch just how much you heal!
If you’re searching for a therapist and are interested in potentially working together, you can connect with me here.
