Ketamine

I am certified in Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy. I’ve seen the impacts of this type of therapy on people but hadn’t been able to take Ketamine myself before this week. Ketamine is a safe and effective drug, and has recently garnered a lot of attention for it’s promising impact on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and treatment resistant depression. It’s a drug that has been used for a long time in the medical setting but until recently, wasn’t able to be used in other settings, like a therapist’s office, to complement psychotherapy.

I’m sure your question is why I hadn’t been able to use Ketamine until this week? As you may know, I have long COVID stemming from having COVID back in March 2020 when it was SCARY. It’s resulted in various medical problems that have had to be stabilized. Now that everything was stabilized and I had established care with a local doctor, I was able to get medical clearance. That tells you how careful the folx at Journey Clinical are (the company I use for screening and prescribing of Ketamine for my own clients). I felt super safe and ready to jump in!

Luckily because I’m a KAP provider, I am not stranger to knowing how impactful and life changing Ketamine is, but you can only imagine so much. I needed to do it myself. I had a KAP certified therapist to lead me through the experience. I tried to prepare myself for the experience by thinking of all of the clarity that I hoped the Ketamine would bring. I know that Ketamine cuts out the bullshit so I was excited to get some direction. I was also totally open to whatever Ketamine would teach me, And teach me it did!

I took my first lozenge, which was 1/2 dose of a full dose to ease in. I listened to a Ram Dass meditation while the lozenge dissolved for 12 minutes. After I spit what was left of the lozenge out, I laid back to get used to the altered state that Ketamine gave me. I felt dreamy, I laid back with a eye mask on and earbuds in with a special KAP playlist. I felt happy. I saw myself running through fields and smiling. I was alone and I remember thinking, WOW! I look good, and VERY happy. About 20 minutes later, the therapist rubbed by shoulder to let me know I could now take the other half dose and the booster. I swished for another 12 minutes, spit out, and laid back.

I saw flashes of my life and people who are in it, have been in it, or who are no longer walking the earth. I saw painful moments, some of the most painful I hold, and I stood back and saw what happened. I was unattached. I understood. Then, I was shown why those things happened. I was shown that all of them made me who I am today. I saw myself again, smiling, having survived all of that pain and hurt. I saw myself from the view of my children, my family, and my friends. What I saw was what they saw. A strong woman who knows how to command and survive. Nothing took me down, even all of these painful things that make up my history. I had an understanding that is difficult to describe. The guilt was gone. The things that happened that not only hurt me but also other people, I didn’t hold responsibility for them anymore.

I was never overwhelmed with emotion. I saw my grandmother who passed, who I was very close to. I was happy to be embraced by her and she let me know that she was guiding me. I had tears come out but I wasn’t overcome with sadness. I saw cloudy skies that made way for clear skies. I was shown that life is a mixture of sunny and cloudy days, but that you just have to embrace all of it.

Past romantic relationships that I’ve had (even ones that did not end well) I saw me with each partner, all of the good parts of our relationship and an understanding that everything I experienced was necessary to be the person that I am. I felt closure and understanding of everything. Everything made complete sense. Guilt was gone. Everything was a lesson to be learned and was supposed to happen.

I am now 2 days out from the experience and I still feel the excitement of the things I have learned. I feel happy. Ketamine is an antidepressant and I can definitely see why. It is indicated to use every 2 weeks under the guidance of a therapist until I feel that I’ve worked on what I needed to work on. It’s different for everyone, but typically the things you are struggling with can be alleviated in just a few months.

Ketamine takes away the survival mechanisms that are often unconsciously applied (that’s why they are called survival mechanisms) and prevent you from making progress in therapy. For example, lets say that you have had people you trusted hurt you. You have a difficult time getting close to people and when you’re starting to get close, you ghost them. It’s too painful to put yourself out there to probably get hurt because that is what you are used to. So, you go into therapy and build a relationship with your therapist but when it starts getting vulnerable, you ghost the therapist too. So you always end up in the same place in therapy, stuck. That’s a survival mechanism. With Ketamine, you don’t shy away from hard things because you are confronted with them with no attachment, no overwhelming emotions, no urge to push things away. You probably are going to see flashes of relationships and realize what happened and it opens you up to see things differently Maybe next time when things get vulnerable, you will realize that it is safe to trust and build a relationship. That can change the entire trajectory of your life!

Using psychedelics (Ketamine fits into that label) can be so helpful for people with PTSD and treatment resistant depression. If you’ve ever had PTSD, you know how deregulating that is to your nervous system and how difficult it is to go on with your life when you feel fearful a lot of the time. Ketamine and other psychedelics, as they become available, can free you up to process things and work in a different way. Perhaps I am a nerd, but I am really excited to be in a workgroup with therapists who are trained in EMDR who are integrating Ketamine into their work. EMDR and Ketamine, YES! Talk about progress.

As for me, I feel like that one session gave me so much hope. I had a glimpse of the life of being so detached and objective about life. When we are detached and objective we don’t take things personally and we don’t look at things through a biased lens. I have had more patience with my children, less hard on myself, and more open to enjoying life. I would say that’s a huge success. I can’t wait until my next dose!

Ketamine is not approved for use outside of medical facilities in some states in the country. If you are interested in learning more, please research your state’s laws to see if Ketamine is an available resource for you.