Thinking about your ex?

“I can’t stop thinking about my ex!” This is something I hear from a lot of people who have had a recent (or full truth: also not so recent) breakup.

Why does it happen? No one wants to keep thinking about something that WAS but it doesn’t mean you don’t. Have you ever had an experience and it was horrible at the time but afterwards you recall it as if it was an incredible experience? Yeah, me too. Mine was the Peace Corps. I had wanted to be a Peace Corps volunteer for most of my teen and adult life. I thought I got it out of my system with AmeriCorps, but it just made me want to do the Peace Corps even more. Something about going to another country, learning another language, and being part of a community was exciting. As always, the thought of doing something and actually doing it are VERY DIFFERENT.

When the opportunity presented itself, I had just broken up from my first very serious-move-in-together-relationship, it seemed like the perfect opening. And I had been denied a couple of years earlier because it turns out I had ulcers and they needed to be cleared up before I could be medically cleared to go. So it seemed like serendipity that the universe sent me a message, “Girl, your relationship is over, go do the Peace Corps.” I was accepted to do the Peace Corps in the Dominican Republic. I am a beach girl, so I was over the moon excited.

I went in a plane full of hopeful volunteers seemingly just like me and touched down in Santo Domingo, the capital of the Dominican Republic. Many people hadn’t been there before and didn’t know what to expect. Luckily I had been there a few times and loved it, so I was more than happy to make it my new home, for 2 years anyway. We stayed at a convent while we all settled in. It was an unbearably hot September weekend and volunteers were dropping like flies and the Peace Corps staff didn’t seem phased that they had a constant back and forth shuttle to the airport. I was determined to stay. People started to miss their romantic partners back home, couldn’t deal with the mosquitos, couldn’t deal with the noise and the heat. I had nothing to go home to. I had just gotten out of a relationship and going home would be going back to the life I decided was over for me. I quit my job and my friends threw several goodbye parties for me before I left. It would be embarrassing to go back. On the other hand, I was surrounded by young people straight out of college and I was older and wiser in my late 20s than they were at the ripe age of 23. They would get black-out drunk and do things that were very culturally inappropriate, I was sometimes embarrassed to be with them. I ended up taking on the role of making sure people were safe and taken care of and didn’t feel like it was fun. Been there, done that.

Those were some of the longest days of my life. I was sick often because of the water and food. I was stared at because the people in my community had never lived with an Americana “gringa” in their community. My Spanish sucked. Many kids were obsessed with my hair, which was very different than theirs, and they always wanted to touch it. I got Dengue (look that one up). My host tried to overcharge me for staying with her. I always got charged more on the bus than the locals for the same ride. It was really hard. But I managed to learn Spanish (claro que si!), made friends, and can make some yummy Dominican food. When it came time for me to leave, I didn’t want to go. I told my Peace Corps friends over calls on our government issued phones, that I didn’t want to leave. I’ll never forget their response. “DREW! You HATE this place. You are always saying how awful it is. How is it possible that you don’t want to leave?” But I didn’t.

You might be asking yourself what this has to do with thinking about your ex. Bear with me here.

My Peace Corps experience probably looks a lot like your experience in your past relationship. You dreamed of it. You learned the reality of what it was to be in a relationship with that person. It was rocky and unenjoyable some of the time. Maybe you were not respected. Maybe you loved them and they didn’t feel the same. Maybe you left, maybe they left you. I do know one thing, you clicked to read this blog because you are having trouble feeling ok with being out of your relationship and you’re still thinking about them. I get it. I still dream of going back and living on the beach in the Dominican Republic, even though I remember how hard it was to live there. The hard doesn’t seem so hard anymore.

But guess what? I went back. I went with my kids for 3 months and lived in a beach town! It was amazing to be able to go across the street to the beach and have my morning walks or coffee there. I ate dinner with my kids with our feet in the sand. I would spend Sundays under an umbrella drinking a Presidente (Dominican beer), watching my kids play in the ocean. AND I got overcharged for many things, my apartment was almost robbed, we had a tropical storm that was scary, the internet was horrible and it was hard to work from there, my kids hated it, I got sick and had trouble getting care. All of the same issues I had the time I was a Peace Corps volunteer. It was like going back to your ex, unless one or both of you have done extensive self growth work on the issues that broke you up, you are going to get more of the same.

So here is your homework…… make a list of all of the reasons your relationship ended. What did you hate about it? How were you hurt? How did you hurt your partner?

Now pin it up where you can see it. Every time you think about your ex, go look at the list. Those same problems will be problems you have when you get back together. Those same pain points will still be there. That’s what you are signing up for. Are you sure you want to do that?

You’re welcome

xoxo drew