When and Why to Fire Your Therapist
The white hair tells you I’ve seen IT ALL.
I have been in this field a long time. Part of being in the field this long means that I’ve heard a few times what people’s answers are to why they left their last therapist. I’m not asking because I’m nosey, I’m asking because I want to know what you don’t like, what makes you shut down or angry, and what errors or preconceived notions you have about therapy and what the therapeutic relationship with you might be like.
The ones that hurt my heart or have actually happened to me are the following (and a reason to fire your therapist):
They fall asleep: you deserve all of the undivided attention you need. If they don’t have a severe case of narcolepsy or let you know that they are particularly tired that day, they should not be falling asleep during your session. The other reason this may be happening is perhaps your therapist doesn’t have good boundaries around their practice or other areas of life and it’s not allowing them to care for themselves well. Maybe they take insurance and have to see 12 clients a day to pay the bills. It doesn’t allow them time to take care of themselves. That’s not your issue to solve. Go see someone who you like who isn’t taking a disco nap during your session.
They text or take calls during your session: It pains me that this even happens, but it does. It has happened to me with a therapist (note: I definitely fired them). Unless the therapist tells you they are expecting something important and it may interrupt your session, it shouldn’t happen on the regular. The occasional blue moon that their kid’s school is calling because they are sick or there is an emergency, they should not be answering the phone. We are humans but texting or talking while you are in session is rude and not respectful to your time or your vulnerability. Find someone else and let them know why.
You are finding yourself purposely not telling your therapist things. I had a service provider I worked with once that I needed to trust. I found myself avoiding talking to her about things because she was MEAN and judgemental. And she was cheap and I was financially strapped. But I went and got a kick ass replacement who was a million times more expensive but I could tell her everything and she supported me in the time I needed to be. If you are hiding things from your therapist, either talk to them about why that is happening. If your therapist wants to work it out with you, you might really learn something valuable about your relationship with them and yourself. And having conflict with your therapist is probably the safest place to try that out and leads to confidence to do it in other areas.
If you don’t feel ready to do the work or MORE work. I get it. Self exploration sucks sometimes and you just don’t want to do it. If you aren’t willing to push past that, maybe you should take a break. I would encourage you to talk to your therapist about how you feel. if you aren’t willing to explore the ambivalence with your therapist. I find this is a good time to incorporate psychedelics. Some of my clients use Ketamine (see KAP in service pages) KAP Services Link and it helps them get past a wall. Ultimately we all want you to fire us because you don’t NEED us anymore or you’ve gotten to the point where you see your patterns and can work through them.
If you are a person who changes therapists frequently, don’t move. You are doing yourself a disservice to start over again. I believe it is the therapeutic relationship that prompts healing. If you are jumping from one therapist to another you're never fully experiencing the potential that a strong therapeutic relationship could bring. If you don’t feel like you’re making progress, have the conversation with your therapist instead of firing them. Some of my best sessions have happened when a client felt stuck. And it led to beautiful work done and more realizations found.
Stay tuned for a blog for why NOT to fire your therapist.
And if you have more topics you’d like me to cover, contact me.
