Comfort Zone
I am reading an incredible book called “The Tools” by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels. It has been a book that I feel I will read and re-read many times. I believe every time I read it, I’ll take something different away.
Phil introduces several “tools” that he uses in his work with clients. He is a psychiatrist and became frustrated that people would come to therapy and languish without really getting any helpful tools to walk away with and use in their lives. It is invigorating to learn from someone who doesn’t just want to be a sit and nod therapist (I am also NOT one of those).
He talks about the reversal of desire. The idea is that sometimes our opportunity and possibilities sit on the other side of pain. Often, to try to avoid that pain, we retreat back to our “comfort zone.” And often we want to make moves in the direction of pain or something we don’t want to do or feel and end up coming up with all kinds of distractions that stand in the way of actually getting there. The reversal of desire is to chose to move through the pain and resist the desire to stay in what you already know and that which is “comfortable.”
I’ve always hated and grown from difficult things that have happened to me. And it’s always led to possibilities, ones that have changed things for me. I also see it with clients. They get clarity from something hard and pretty soon they are enjoying the fruits of their labor. I also see it in ways that hurt to see too. They stay with the same asshole they have dated in a million different outfits for fear that they can’t find anything better. The work that people do as a single person is the most important work that they can possibly do. You learn about yourself, you spend some nights alone going through your life, you connect with friends and develop strong friendships, you connect with your family in a different way. If you didn’t leave that toxic asshole behind, you would be staying in your comfort zone and getting nowhere. Is that worth it? I say it is not.
Ketamine is an amazing way to be able to step back and connect the dots. It shows you the way in which you are settling and the strength you had in difficult moments. You get lessons from things you just were not able to see at the time. It is really transformational. I’m on my own Ketamine journey now and it has been such a valuable tool to be able to get to the heart of the matter and feel like myself. Like I CAN be myself because I am pretty amazing!
I am also able to see how I’m numbing. My favorite thing to do is to scroll funny videos for what seems like not a long time, but turns into hours sometimes. I lose my energy to dedicate to other things. I am sure I could do a million projects that I am putting off in that 1 hour I’m watching funny videos. I always tell my kids, “you will never be on your deathbed wondering why you didn’t spend more time with a screen.” I need to take my own advice, yes, even I, therapist Drew, is not perfect. The most valuable part of this is to have an awareness that I am scrolling to AVOID. Avoid hard things. Avoid hard things that might just lead to possibility. When I think of it like that, I might want to DO the hard things.
Is your phone your comfort zone? Is watching trash tv numbing (don’t worry, I’m guilty too)? Is drinking a social lubricant to get rid of the awkwardness of trying to stumble through learning something about a new person? Are you avoiding a conflict or tough thing with a friend or a partner by doing something else? Just be real about what you are doing and what you are avoiding by doing it. That’s the first step.
