Ketamine Part Deux
Last weekend i was able to have a Ketamine experience with other clinicians. It was a pilot program and I was thrilled to be able to have the chance to be on a journey with other clinicians.
After the lozenge dissolved, I was immediately I able to see myself running through fields of grain and I admired my strength and courage in life and all the things I have overcome. It was like watching myself from the outside, a different perspective. Then, boom, I heard someone crying next to me and I started crying too. Typically when you are in a group setting for Ketamine, you have headphones on and each person is in their own experience. This particular group was listening to music through a speaker in a large open space. I brought my earbuds, as well as my Ketamine playlist, and a group leader came over and helped me put them in. I am used to being a group LEADER, this was a new role for me. I was just one of the gang.
Here’s the thing, I have been a “helper” all of my life. I was the kid on the playground befriending all the kids that didn’t have friends. I was a teen helper in high school, supporting teens with all kinds of problems. I volunteered in Alternative Spring Break in college, served in AmeriCorps and the Peace Corps. One could say I’ve made my entire career from helping people. I have been “helping” all of my life. That is a whole blog in and of itself. Under the influence of Ketamine, I was able to see that I wanted to leave my own experience to tend to the person crying. She certainly wasn’t out of control, she was probably seeing something difficult and having empathy for herself. Who knows, but I didn’t want to leave my own experience to go to hers. I was not the leader and it was my time to take up space for me. I let go of helping and dipped back into my own experience.
My eye mask wasn’t dark enough and the space we were in had humongous beautiful windows with lots of light. I couldn’t fully dip into my experience because I was distracted by the light on my eyelids through the mask. I took a blanket and put it over my head. When I started to get too hot, I took it off and balanced a pillow over my eyes. Still not working. I felt a tap on my shoulder, I looked over to see the group leader and she was offering to put a blanket over my eyes. Exactly what I needed. Ketamine then led me to an entire other experience of realizing that I need to ask for help more often. I felt cared for and I really liked it. As a mom, I feel like getting cared for is a luxury. It shouldn’t be. The only time you get what you want without asking for it is when you’re in the womb. Otherwise you need to ask. I felt warm and cozy and got into the fetal position to fully allow myself to feel cared for. It was like I went back in time to my mother’s womb and got all of the things I wanted from her and didn’t get in life. No parent can ever be everything to a child. They do the best with what they know. My mom didn’t know everything and had been brought up by a mom who probably also couldn’t give her everything she needed either, and my grandmother’s mom was even less able to give it to her. And you get the point. I saw my whole lineage and had an appreciation for doing my best as a mom, that doing my best is all I can do. And ask for help for the things you have trouble giving.
I started to see that my life work for now is asking for help. I have been practicing. It’s a lesson that presents itself every once and while and I’m appreciative of it. I’ve gotten so much better over the years. My practice has changed. I used to want to be able to see everyone but quickly learned that sharing myself with so many people was leading to people not getting the kind of attention that I wanted to give them. I keep my practice super small and get to know my clients super well. In doing that I’ve made the decision to not take insurance because it leads to having to see so many people it’s impossible to do the kind of work I want to. But it’s taking care of myself, and in turn, my clients.
What could you do to take care of yourself, right now? It might be easier than you think. Perhaps you need to leave your desk during lunch and take a walk, take in the sun and nature. Maybe it’s setting a clear boundary with someone around how they can treat. you. Maybe it’s making small moves to change your job, relationship, or situation. Maybe it’s putting your workout in your calendar and protecting the time because you know it helps you. It can be as big or as little as you want. The important part is to do it. Start somewhere.
I can’t wait until my next Ketamine session where I know I’m soon to meet another side of myself and gain perspective for continued growth. I’ll keep you posted!
